I have the pressure of being more than I use to be yesterday, sufficient enough for today, while achieving at all time success for tomorrow. I wonder how people even are able to maintain relationships when all I want to do is sleep in my free time and draw my heart out or go swimming in the ocean waves. How does one find time for a boy friend? I need to loose weight, volunteer, pay my fines, save 10,000 in ten years maybe, and life life to the fullest and find the place where I am the happiest. A happiness which is not linked to anyone or anything that can be taken away.
There is no more shame in admitting the truth even when facts do not support my emotions. I use to stand before you knowing I was an empty space, always desiring happiness, desiring freedom, asking to feel alive in hugs, kisses, sex, your mere presence. It doesn’t work that way. So I stand alone. There is no past, no future and there is no excuses. Palm trees, birds and the mixture of the orange hues and blue sky as the stars begin to shine and the sun leaves not knowing when it will come back. I am in not in love, not even with my shadow. I do not crave conversation that never began. I am no longer questioning. I am alone in the sunrise and sunset.
The long hours of painful pleasure masturbating are not enough, meaningless touch from men is not enough. My mother’s kisses and hugs are not enough. My younger brother’s friendship is not enough. Hanging out with old friends, best friends, occasional friends, is not enough. They can not satisfy the thirst I have to feel alive. No ocean waves or waves of wind or endless cries are enough to satisfy my thirst. No endless walk is enough.
My name is ALBA and I will die one day and it might be that no one will miss me. It might be that people will judge me after my death. It might be that I made no difference in a person’s life. It might be that I never found love. It might be that, it does not matter for this world is more than just the conventional. I am a believer of a father who loves me endlessly and no one in this world can ever give life every single day, everything else seams irrelevant. God is love, its always been him.
I have been in a haze. I have confused my past with my present. I have forgotten ages of my life and birthdays too. I have lost myself multiple times. I have been depressed. I have cried days and weeks and I have numbed myself.
ALBA is an insecure naive girl who does not judge for the sake of not being judged by her past if anyone knew. ALBA desires education and loves to learn because its been her safety form her mother’s verbal abuse. Her knowledge has always been her sense of identity, her sense of pride and her outlet to her troubled mind. She is an anxious child, she suffers from insomnia, repressed memories, depression, psychosis, depression, suicide, night terrors, post traumatic stress, and low self esteem. She has dealt with them with out professional help and pushed her troubled mind to the end of her to do list. She has trouble controlling her anxiety especially when driving and performing task in front of individuals. She does not believe in love at first sight.
ALBA the daughter of a mother who almost aborted her and the daughter of a father who abandoned her. The stepdaughter of a man who sexually abused her.
ALBA the sister of two older brothers. Two older brothers who also ended up hurting her. One was addicted to pornography and sex. He would wait for her to fall asleep so that he could mess with her body. ALBA was 19. It ended when she was 21. ALBA was not aware of the abuse because she thought it was a product of her mind and could not place blame to where it belonged. Her second older brother also abused her. He fingered her one morning and blamed her for the occurrence. It happened last month, june of 2014.
Its called incest. It is disgusting. My mind is tired. My mind is overwhelmed. My heart is heavy. My thoughts are endless.
Its all an accumulation of verbal abuse, and sexual abuse and it all roots from from their troubles. I have dealt with their troubles and their addictions. They might not realize their harm or actions but I do. The people who have hurt me has been my family.
My mother’s inability to find love tied her down to an abusive husband. She became abusive herself. She was verbally abusive towards me with high expectations of what I should be.
My stepfathers addiction to power and control lead him to become anxious, controlling and abusive. He would love me and sexually abuse me.
My older brother’s addiction is porn and sex. I mean nothing to him. He would sexually abuse me.
My second older brother lacks strong communication with family from my mother’s inability of affection. He has lived a life where he does not care for affection therefore can not give and therefore does not receive. His addiction is having sex with females who mean nothing to him. He is not faithful to his wife. He loves his children. I mean nothing to him. He also sexually abused me.
They are troubled individuals who are too afraid to admit their addictions and I was too vulnerable in one occasion after the other. never had the time to heal. Always having to deal with one trauma after another one.
ITS DONE. IT IS IN THE PAST & I HAVE FORGIVEN THEM AND THEY DO NOT LOVE ME. THE MEN IN MY LIFE DO NOT LOVE ME. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN PAIN. I DO NOT WANT TO HOLD ON TO THE PAST. I AM LETTING GO.
MY name is ALBA and I love nature. The color blue, purple, and black. I believe in GOD. I love art and science. I want to become an occupational therapist for rehabilitation services in pediatrics. If you ask me my about my past I will answer not for you to pity me but so that I may share what I have learned. I love alternative music. I love writing and poetry, and reading and the ocean waves and I am sane even when my trouble mind wants t take over. My name is ALBA and I LOVE LIFE in the LIGHT & in the DARK. In SUN RISE & SUNSET.