ALBA ELIZA PEREZ

Welcome to my diary of my thoughts. I am a dreamer and a lover. I am also a fighter. Allow me to see your perspectives of life but also allow me to share mine so that we may be stronger together. Life is beautiful. Embracing happiness is easy I know because, Embracing my pain has been so HARD. The world we were born to is meant for connection. We were not born on the purpose to isolate ourselves because of differences, but rather how we can connect because of our uniqueness.

"LOVE LIFE & LIFE WILL LOVE YOU BACK"

I am sad. Ehh

— 17 minutes ago

I have always been an avid lover of the thought of leaving this world behind no matter how amazing the weather is or how much parties or barbeques I was invited to. I would always look from the windows and see how fast the trees and the land moved from the inside perspectives of cars, trains or buses and everything just seamed so unreal. I wanted to believe that I was dreaming. I believed it so maybe one day I wouldn’t have to allow the touch between him and I . I believe that maybe if I would walk close enough to a landscape I would reach a door, a window that was camoflaged as trees and be able to see the other side of life. Sometimes if I were alone I would feel like I was the only human alive and believe it until I saw another individuals. I can’t recall how many times I have lost touch with reality because it is not until today that I am acknowledging the dissociation of myself from my body not merely as just daydreaming but as a state of deadness. For accuracy purposes it is most similar to being brain dead.

— 6 hours ago

I totally forgot we are no longer together haha. I was just thinking of what we should do this weekend haha . silly me. I was having butterflies and getting excited to. Haha :) . OMG

— 1 day ago

I need more time. Time for friends, family, homework, more time to study. I need more time. I am being ambushed.

— 1 day ago

Fuck. Kissing you, pleasuring you, letting you embrace my body with the hopes that, that particular night would end up these anxious moments. The moments when I feel so ashamed of my sexuality and being able to recall our nudity in the moment as a sense of relief doesn’t work. It just doesn’t work. The memory doesn’t bring a sense of clarity to my sexuality. This anxiousness just never goes away no matter how much I avoid it. The moment I get urges I just feel so inhumane. So polluted. I must be at the halfway of my cycle. I feel so unclean. So dirty so gross. Yuck. I am anxious. I am so anxious. I can’t stop being anxious. I want smoke . I want to cry but there’s nothing to cry about. I am just stuck in this stupid body. I hate it. My vagina will not let me rest. Asking for someone’s touch. Asking for a sense of fondness. Its asking to be pleasured and what remains of me is just so agitated. So irritated. My face itches. Its like I am having an allergic reactions to my vaginas on thoughts of sex. Save me someone save me. I am aching in disgust. My boobs feel confined. I wish I didn’t have any . I am at a 8 with anxiety. I must take a shower. I feel like throwing up. I must throw up. I can’t keep taking so many showers a day. I don’t even sweat. I hate this. I absolutely hate it.

— 2 days ago

I hate this. I keep climaxing never reaching an end point. I get tired. I get agitated. I feel super anxious. I don’t feel like myself. I am thirsty. I am tempted. I am super jittery. I hate this. I hate it.

— 2 days ago

I’m not engaging in sexual activity. I havnt for 3 months now. I will not lie and say I do not miss your touch because I do. I do not want a boyfriend. I havnt had time even for myself lately. Leslie is getting married. I wish her the best. I am happy for her. Sometimes I dread the idea of getting married. Haha. I need a job. I need to pay bills. I will be taking school loans out. I need to loose this belly weight. I need to change banks. I need to begin internships or volunteer work. My major is still iffy. Occupational therapy, or speech therapy and major in kinesiology for 2 years at CSUSM. Or change major because kinesiology GPA isn’t high enough. I need physics over the summer. I need a new laptop. I need to build credit. I need to apply for scholarships. And I need that drivers license ASAP. I’m in no need of a boyfriend. I neither have the time nor intererest in anyone. What I do need is this semester to be over and to loose this belly weight of mine. I feel like Kermit the frog. I just have to keep on trying hard.

— 2 days ago

I have been on both sides of the bell curve. Two standerd deviations from average and two starderd deviations, were the data becomes to skewed to even be part of the data. I became an outlier. I was the blackness of the night but also the clarity of the rays of the sun. So where am I now? 🐣

— 2 days ago

I am neither yes or no. I am always just because. I linger in the maybe and I shy away from the never. Yes our love was exsistant, no you can’t call that love. Just because I was in need of affection I held on to you as long as I could, as long as I could bear with the pain of your inconsistency and lack of affection. I loved your kisses. I never questioned them, never taking them for granted. Never will I regret it. I am neither yes or no. I am always just because. I linger in the maybe and I shy away from the never, and I learn to move on .

— 2 days ago

I have no first or last name, no ending or beginning before you. I am perfection, I am disorganization. I am brokenness but also wholeness. I hold myself up and then allow you to hold me.

— 2 days ago

Its like I carried all the filth that Escondido could offer me. I carried the negativity on my shoulders. Never had I had such a shameful and disgusted debelitating walk back home. I took a shower and all the shame was wash away. There was no frustration only peace and comfort. I was home. The first time I preferred home than the outside environment.

— 3 days ago

I can’t get a hold of how I am feeling. I feel naked before everyone. The sun doesn’t warm me enough me. I feel so dirty. I want to take a shower but I am not dirty. Its with in me. My scalp hurts from my head scratches. Every inch of me needs scrubbing. Everything is itchy. My boobs feel heavy. I need to scrubb. Scrub. Scrubb. I need to scrub. Brush my teeth. I need to clean ears. I need to clean myself. Everything feels so wrong. I can’t stand it.

— 3 days ago

I look into this image the last form of non exsistant contact I have with you. I whisper goodbye. I see your smile and I ache. Its not I’m not happy you are happy its just i have no connection with you no more and I feel lonely. Its a chapter in my life which I can go back to. I miss your touch and smiles. Your friendly grasp on my body.

— 3 days ago